Rick Makes a Quake

Greetings, readers! It's May and that can only mean two things: flowers are a bloomin' and Ncan is returnin'! Now let's get real here, I don't give two shits about flowers. I might give one shit, just to help fertilize, but certainly not two. A shit can be put to far better use than mere fertilization. For example, laying a steamy one in NCan's mouth while he is sleeping is a fine way to release excrement.

One of my favorite books.


Anyway, ever since my escape from his attic, I've been anticipating my reunion with my evil twin, NCan. Now that it's May, University of Bitchmond has finally ended its spring semester. Great! Now I can really start getting my revenge. However, everything was almost ruined when NCan let his as yellow fever get the best of him. You see, this asiaphile was planning on studying in Japan for the summer. That meant I would be stuck here in parts unknown with nothing to do but keep planning my revenge. A guy can only plan for so long, ya know!? I mean I'm beginning to go stir crazy up in this bitch! When I heard about this, I needed to do something. I thought to myself: "How can I prevent NCan from spending his summer in the land of the rising sun? Eureka! Initiate a natural disaster so devastating that the country will not possibly be able to take him in." With this as my plan, I set about putting it into action. Really, it was not that hard. All I had to do was get a whole buncha dynamite, appx. two boatloads full. Then, I set off a strategically placed explosion, and voila... we've got a 9.0 on the richter scale! Sure there were some casualties, and a worldwide nuclear crisis was just narrowly averted, but who cares. The ends justify the means, right? Let's not forget that NCan is the pure embodiment of EVIL.

My plan was a smashing success.

Now, NCan is back for the summer and he'll soon meet his end. Hopefully we don't hit anymore snags along the way, but I'll keep you all posted.

Sayonara,
RCan

Rick and the Scarred Lambchop Dick

Hiya! RCan's back and more nourished than ever! As you know, until recently I've been living trapped in the Candidos' attic. As you also know, during the duration of my imprisonment, I was fed nothing but sauerkraut. This takes a toll on a guy, especially someone with an appetite as formidable as mine. Now, when I first found freedom, food was elusive. After all, I have no money, no job and, while human meat is delicious and nutritious, hunting people is too challenging (there's a reason they call it the most dangerous game). So, what's a starvin' straggler to do? The answer lies in another piece of alliteration: dumpster diving. I, RCan have become an expert dumpster diver. I know all the best spots in town: the parking lot behind CVS, the parking lot behind Dunkin Donuts, the vacant lot next to Rockwells, etc. Until I get some cash (not happening) or improve my hunting skills (maybe happening) dumpsters will be my main source of nutrition.

The other day, I had one of my best finds yet. It was 3am, prime divin' time, and I was lurking through a residential neighborhood, desperately surveying garbage cans. You won't believe someathestuff people throw out. Here are some of the goodies I've managed to collect:

All of These Computers.

These bottles and cans, so they could be recycled.

This little guy. What a cutie:).

And the crown jewel of them all: this yumdidliumptious lambchop.

See, there's some great trash out there if you just look for it, and that lambchop is the best thing I have ever eaten, guaranteed. I found it on a tuesday. I had last eaten on a friday, so this was without any doubt the most delicious thing that's ever been in my mouth. Speaking of things that have been in my mouth, let's talk about dicks. Not the body part, but the type of person who would call the police on a guy just for living his life. Yesterday, I was getting ready for bed. Just as I was snuggling up under some damp newspapers, I felt my box shake. Alarmed, I looked up to find a man walking his dog. "Listen you slime," he said "you can't sleep here, this is a children's playground. I'm calling the police!" I scurried away frightened, but I'll never forget the man's face. He's now number two on my revenge list (after NCan of course). Soon as I find him, I'm gonna make him eat his dog, then call the cops on him. We'll see how he likes people interfering with his life.

Finally, I'd like to discuss my favorite movie, The Lion King. What a film! The music, the morals and the characters. O the characters! What makes the film so great is its ensemble cast of personalities who each bring something special to the film. But one shines above them all. I'm talking of course about the hero of the film, King Scar. He's an inspiring figure, a martyr for his beliefs murdered by a jealous naive brat. Scar inspires me, and every day, when I'm feeling or living down in the dumps, his noble personage raises me up. In short, he is the "you" to my Josh Groban.

Long live the King!

That's all for now. Stay tuned!

Cold Regards,
Rick Candido

Rick and the Return to Daylight

Hey err'ybody!  RCan here with the inaugural Spider Journal.  Now if you're reading this (which you obviously are, because if you weren't you wouldn't be) chances are you're here onnacountova lil' blog we like to call "Spider Diaries."  But if you've been enjoying the musings of our fav freakshow (no, not the human spider AKA Spider Man, I'm talkin about NCan) I've got a shocking newsflash.  I hope you're insulated because this is about strike you like a bolt of lightning does an enormous metal rod: NCan is actually my evil twin.  That's right folks, you heard correctly, but if you can't process that information let me update your software via capslock: NCAN IS ACTUALLY MY EVIL TWIN.  Still confused?  Let me break it down twin towers style.

Seventeeen years ago, the triptych known as the brothers Candido locked me in their attic.  Why?  I can only presume jealousy.  Of what?  I can only presume my good vocabulary, good writing style, and good  nature.  NCan will tell you he has a good nature, but that's far from the truth.  It's not even a modest nature (what a nature), but a jealous one.  In their envy, the Candido bros. locked me in their attic forcefeeding me nothing but sauerkraut for 17 years.  You can imagine what that would do to a guy.  I. HATE. SAUERKRAUT.  The attic was also infested with asbestos, which was not pleasant, but if you eat it enough it can become an acquired taste, much like wine or caviar.

NCan's attic, where I was held hostage and forced to live on asbestos and sauerkraut for 17 years.

Last week something amazing happened.  Malakai Candido, one of the brothers, came to the attic looking for his long lost duel disc.  The fool left the door open, and I scurried out faster than a malnourished lab rat who just caught a whiff of gorgonzola.  My skin covered in a three inch thick layer of grime, I sprinted down Corona Ave. in my undies, and relished the first uncontaminated air I had breathed since 1995.  Now I'm hiding in a secret location in protection from the Candidos.  They're after me, but I have a plan to set things right.  I know a blog doesn't seem very diabolical, but trust when I say that it's only the first step in a precise plan that will eventually lead to NCan's castration.  I'd like to see him sing in Choeur Du Roi without his nuts!  It all starts here with these Spider Journals, but eventually a 2 liter bottle of sweet vengeance will be mine!

RCan out.

Post scriptum
Just so there is no confusion: NCan is RCan's evil twin, not the other way around.  Repeat: talk about an evil twin and you're probably talking about NCan.  Talk about the good twin, and you must be referring to RCan.

Past post scriptum

Here's what I look like:

Itsa me, RCan!